YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Buhtt sex?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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