Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
