my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
