I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize