You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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