ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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