Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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