shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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