I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
