My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
