I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize