I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
