Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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