And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
