I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize