I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
