Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
