Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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