I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
