so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
