my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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