I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Please, let me fuck your mom
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
