I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
