Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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