I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
