So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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