I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
