Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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