This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize