Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
