he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Barsexuality is the new black.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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