I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
