I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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