What did we do last night that was yellow?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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