Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
