I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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