Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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