His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
