I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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