If that was your dad, he is hot
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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