After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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