omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
