what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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