your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
