and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
