She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
