God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
