I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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