youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
