even my farts smell like vagina
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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