Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
