It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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