My friends, they love my intelligence
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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