it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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