All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
