This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
