i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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