never play flip cup with pint glasses
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
