if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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