so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
