After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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