I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
