you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
