Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so let's talk penis.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
