WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
